


Lonely Sunday

by YingCas



Series: What If - LuQi through times [2]
Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE, NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Drinking, Drinking Games, Established Relationship, F/M, Heartache, Idol Life, Implied Sexual Content, Insecurities, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:20:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25789468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YingCas/pseuds/YingCas
Summary: They barely have time to meet. They barely have time to take care of themselves as the world keeps demanding miracles from them. They would be better off without this extra weight on their hearts.But still. Despite it all.Lucas refuses to let go.
Relationships: Song Yuqi/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Series: What If - LuQi through times [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1864933
Comments: 13
Kudos: 42





	Lonely Sunday

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again everyone! I know, I should be working on Got Ya but I haven't felt like writing for a while. I found this, unfinished LuQI story from my files and decided to edit and post it, for you to see - you gave Colliding Into You so much love, I wanted to continue the saga. I hope you like this!
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don’t know these people. I’ve never met them in my life and I don’t claim to know anything about them. This is just a story I wrote for fun, I pulled everything out of my own imagination. I like to play with what-ifs.

**_Loverless nights they seem so long_**

**_I know that I’ll hold you someday_**

**_Until you come back where you belong_**

**_It’s just another lonely Sunday_**

_Sunday by Hurts_

* * *

  
  


“Okay, my turn: IU, Kwon Yuri, or... Liu Yifei”, Guanheng hit the sofa table with his fist and shook the glasses and bottles that had piled on it. 

“That’s so random”, Yangyang rolled his eyes. “But whenever Kwon Yuri is mentioned, I’m going to choose her”

“She is, like, over ten years older than you”, Xuxi pointed out and took another sip of soju.

“Yeah, the center of Yangyang’s fantasies since preschool”, Guanheng laughed, but it ended quickly when the younger hit him painfully from where he was sitting beside him.

It was a rare free night for WayV, and an even rarer one when Xuxi was with them instead of filming for Keep Running or practicing for SuperM. Filming for Keep Running had only just ended a few weeks ago so that was one of the reasons why. Of course, the preparations for the new group would only pick up now, and Xuxi was not looking forward to joggling with two different projects again. At least he could stay in Korea for most of the summer. Maybe. 

So, of course, the free night had been reserved for drinking. Xuxi was spending it in the dorms with Guanheng, Yangyang, and Dejun, while the rest of WayV were doing individual stuff. And after downing a couple of bottles, Guanheng and Yangyang (such lightweights) had decided that it was the right time to play fuck, marry, kill. It had just become “Which one of these women would you rather fuck” because they were all horny and frustrated and drunk.

“Fuck you, you’re only a year older than me”, Yangyang retorted.

“90s baby I pump up the jam”, Guanheng sang. “Am I right, Xuxi?”

Xuxi hummed and pumped his fist with Guanheng’s. Yangyang groaned.

“You were infants when the millennium changed, you grew up with the same things as me! I swear 99s are the worst fucking posers!”

“Leave it, that’s not going to change anything”, Dejun helpfully commented from where he was lying on the sofa, playing with his phone. He had listened to a couple of questions before deciding that their game was stupid and degrading women, and he refused to participate. He kept listening to them and judging from where he was, instead. 

The three guys playing were sitting cross-legged on the floor. Not even on the carpet, but just on the floor - Kun had been so angry after they had spilled some beer on it a few weeks ago, no one dared to bring liquids near it. The sofas were obviously out of the question too. So, the cold floor it was. 

“Okay whatever, so Yangyang said Kwon Yuri. Guanheng?” Xuxi continued as though nothing had happened. In most cases that was the best course of action.

“Liu Yifei”, Guanheng said. “She is so hot”

“And she is twelve years older than you!” Yangyang bit back.

“Well, at least we were born in the same millennium!”

As the two started to bicker again, Xuxi finished his third bottle and placed it on the pile on the sofa table. He got up to fetch a new one from the fridge. That was going to have to be his final one though, he didn’t have time for a hangover - he had SuperM practice early in the afternoon.

When he was in the kitchen he checked his phone.  
  


_**From Yuqi,**  
_ _I worked SO hard to maintain my figure  
_ _And look, they put me in a fucking tent  
_ _ALL BECAUSE OF YOU  
  
_

Yuqi was still going on about her comeback outfit. It was a very special one this time, and she had worn it in M Countdown. It just so happened that Xuxi had worn the exact same piece of clothing less than two months ago for a WayV comeback. Coincidence?

No. The stylists had decided to put the same shirt on Yuqi for a reason. The LuQi couple had become so popular among fans that they wanted to promote it as often as they could, nevermind the last episodes of Keep Running hadn’t even aired yet. So, if the shirt had fit Xuxi well, it obviously looked different on Yuqi.

Xuxi thought it looked nice. Cute. Yuqi thought it made her look fat.  
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
_ _NOT MY FAULT  
_ _You looked gorgeous, what’s the problem_

 _ **From Yuqi,**  
_ _You’re biased, I can’t listen to you  
_ _If the public thinks I’m fat then off to another diet I go  
_ _I’m 45 kilograms! If I lose any more then I’m going to be just skin and bones and then they’re going to call me anorectic!  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
The people judging you don’t know anything  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Yeah  
But they’re the ones we’re supposed to please so  
I’m so tired  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
I'm sorry  
  
_

He really was. Because there was nothing he could do. When he thought back to his first girlfriends in high school, he had always felt much more in control - he had been able to help them, listen to them, protect them. Even though they had been young and tied to school and their homes, he had never felt as useless as he did now. 

Call him traditional, but he wanted to be the one taking care of the people he loved. Yuqi, however, was beyond his reach, behind a stone wall. All he could do was try to yell and hope it reached her.   
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
See you in two weeks?   
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
_ _Hopefully  
_ _Can't promise anything  
  
_

That sentence had become familiar to Xuxi - awfully familiar, and it hadn't even been that long since their shared schedules ended. Xuxi’s schedule might be fully booked for a year and a half from now on but that didn't mean it was 100% stable and certain. SM, or rather his managers, could cancel and reschedule his time any time they wanted if they found ways to make more money with him. It was kind of fun because he never knew what was coming, but, at the same time, he dreaded it. They might announce that oh, he was flying to freaking France tomorrow and he had no other choice but to obey. 

Yuqi was more tied to her group, and that was both a good and a bad thing. The schedule was more stable since it had to work for so many people, but it made it harder for her to depart from it to do something personal. Say, meet her boyfriend.

The title Xuxi had held for two months now.

I love you… Xuxi typed out before just deleting it. That was what he wanted to say because he felt like he did. But they hadn't been together for very long yet, not officially, and the unofficial part didn't extend that long either. Only a few months. 

It felt wrong to just type it in a text, he wanted to say that to her in person. Xuxi wasn't one to put much value on any 'firsts' but… But it was different with Yuqi. Especially because these were firsts for her, and she valued them. 

He wanted to be her first. In every way. And if possible, her last as well. 

NCT Dream's First and Last started playing in his head, he shook his head and typed something else. Something that held a very similar meaning.   
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
Please take care of yourself.   
Okay?   
_ _Don't make me come over_  
  


As though he ever could. As though he could ever enter her dorms or the whole Cube company building for that matter. Their companies had mixed feelings about their relationship - on one hand, they used it for promotion purposes, to get extra attention for the show and mix their fandoms, but on the other hand… Everyone knew what happened to idol relationships once they were made public. This way, those who still wanted to see Yuqi and Xuxi as available, could. The delusions still lived on and no one got angry because they weren't actually dating or anything.

Yeah. It was too bad that most of Xuxi's - Lucas’s - fans were delusional teenage girls who also paid his salary. 

And Yuqi's manager had a strong dislike towards him.   
  


_**From Yuqi,**  
Uh  
Have you been drinking or something?   
_ _Your grammar is even worse than normal_  
  


Oh. Xuxi took another look at the message he had sent - indeed, he had chosen some wrong characters, and the message looked messy as hell. Oops.   
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
Sorry babe  
Free night  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Oh right, I remember now, you mentioned it  
Then go have fun! I'm okay  
_ _I still have some radio to record, I'll be done after midnight  
  
_

"Xuxi!”, Yangyang yelled from the living room. “Could you bring me one as well?”  
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
Talk to you tomorrow   
  
_

Xuxi took two beers out of the fridge and kicked the door closed.  
  


...

For an outsider, his life didn’t look any different in comparison to the time before he dated Yuqi. Of course, his projects changed all the time but he still kept running where SM ordered him to run, did what he was told, flirted with the camera, and sweated in the practice room. On the surface, nothing seemed to have changed from when he had been a single to now.

But his heart was elsewhere. His mind kept wandering. Even when SuperM took all of his time and energy and everything he ever had, he still kept thinking of her. Worrying about her. He tried not to let it show - god forbid he would face serious consequences if the members or management heard that he missed his steps because he was thinking of his girlfriend. Something that no one wanted him to have.

But he felt frustrated, with the project as well as his love life. Because it didn’t matter how much he tried, Yuqi kept growing more and more distant from him. It didn't matter how many hours he put into practice for SuperM, it still wasn’t enough.

Of course, it wasn't. He was the only rookie in the supergroup. With only a year and a half of experience in his pocket, he was like a toddler trying to keep up with… what, middle schoolers? Ten, Mark, and Taeyong had only debuted two years before him but they had been running around SM hallways, doing pre-debut projects and training years before Xuxi had even started to consider entertaining as a career option. 

Xuxi was funny and good at variety, he knew that and was confident in his skills. He was also good at modeling since that was what he had always wanted to do. Those were the things that had made him popular so soon and granted him a place in the group. However, SuperM wasn’t about humor and his looks alone - it was sharp dancing and rapping and epic performances and Xuxi didn't know how to make any of them. People generally looked past his small mistakes because he was good looking and managed to flirt his way out of everything - it didn't work in SM training rooms, and definitely not with his skilled seniors who knew all of his tricks and more. 

Of course, he would never even try that with them. Instead, he swallowed all of his pride and took all advice and criticism as it was. 

"Lucas, watch your steps here", Taemin stopped him for the tenth time that day. They were almost done with learning everything for their debut and the setlist for the concert tour, all that was left was polishing - and in SM, polishing generally took 80% of the practice time. Because they had to be perfect. Always, and definitely now.

Xuxi did the steps as he had learned them. He did them well alone, but with the music, he somehow kept missing the timing and he had no idea why. It was as though he was trying to fit three seconds of moving into just one. 

"Try doing it this way", Kai jumped in and showed it with his own style. Xuxi didn't have a distinctive style yet and he doubted he ever would - he wasn't a dancer, not like them, he was a handsome face and a deep voice. So, he just copied the moves the best he could. 

"If you feel too tired, then you can skip the first small step for the favor of the second one. Then, you have to hit the beat hard or else the whole formation will fall apart"

It looked so easy for Kai. He at least understood what it was like dancing with long limbs so Xuxi felt like he could catch on quicker when he showed the moves in comparison to Taemin or Taeyong or Ten. However, Kai had done ballet and shit since he had been five years old, dancing was as easy as breathing for him. 

Xuxi had taken the first dance classes of his life in this very same SM practice room, only three years prior.

"Good, just like that", Kai said encouragingly. Taemin stepped away to sit down as well, to enjoy his well-deserved break. They took turns coaching him - no one said it out loud but it must have been annoying to constantly keep correcting him. 

Xuxi wasn't even that bad of a dancer. He was one of the best ones in WayV, and in the whole of NCT, he still was above average. 

But this wasn't your average kpop group. This was a SUPER group. Sometimes Xuxi wondered what the hell he was doing there. 

"Now, extend that power into your arms, look - ba ba bababam", Kai hit the floor hard and Xuxi followed. He tried to copy his fierce expression, and Kai smiled at him through the mirror. 

"Good! Now, do it like this during the performances, don't try to rush the whole sequence. You're in the back for this so no one will notice if you skip a bit" 

Xuxi swallowed. This wasn't the first time that he got to do an easy, altered version of the choreo. Even if it was just a few steps, he still felt bad. 

They had to constantly keep giving him an easy version of everything because he couldn't keep up. He had the least lines and the least center time, but he still was the one who slowed everyone down. 

He felt so useless. 

Useless, powerless, helpless. He had lost control of his own life so long ago, he could only listen to the orders, and still, he kept screwing up. He bit his teeth and did the movement in front of the mirror. Again, again again again. 

And still. 

"You're doing really well", Baekhyun said from where he was sitting, leaning against the mirror and fanning himself with his cap. His freshly colored, bright pink hair was pointing at every single direction. "I used to screw up the choreo all the time" 

"You still do, hyung", Kai rolled his eyes and shook his arms and legs."It's not as big of a deal as the teachers make you think it is. Dance is art, you don't need military precision" 

"Mmh, just look cute and the fans will think that it's endearing!" 

"I wouldn't take advice from him, Baekhyun hyung fights in his own league", Taemin chuckled and stood up. "Alright, wanna try Can't Stand The Rain again? We still need to work on the synchronization" 

Words of agreement could be heard from around the room as the others stood up again, to tackle another disaster. Xuxi just watched. 

Mark handed him a water bottle and Xuxi thanked him - he was so far behind, he didn't really deserve proper breaks anyway. 

The cold water hit his throat and made him want to cough. He was hot so it was good, it cooled down his body, but he generally didn’t like cold water. He drank it warm.

He drank warm water with Yuqi in the hotel room, when he did meet her, almost a month later.

“And then, can you imagine, he has the nerve to squeeze my arm and say _Yeah right, five kilos? Do you want to see a skeleton next?_ I mean, I’m really glad that he defended me but he could have been nicer about it”, Yuqi rolled his eyes and put his glass on the table.

Xuxi’s hand tightened around his own glass. Yuqi was being nonchalant about it so he knew that he should be too, but hearing about her manager touching her and them debating about her weight like she was an object angered him. He knew why it was, he knew because it happened to him too and he knew that Yuqi wasn’t weak but. 

But, it was Yuqi. His Yuqi.

“I feel like I can still feel his fingers on my skin”, Yuqi mumbled and looked at her arm. There were indeed two very light bruises on her skin, of the fingers of her Korean manager who had, for once, tried to be on her side. Xuxi stood up from the chair, placed his water on the table, and sat down next to her on the bed. He took her arm and placed a kiss on it.

“What an asshole”, Xuxi mumbled as he kissed the skin over the bruise, then her shoulder and finally, her neck. Seeing her so rarely frustrated him, and hearing about these things that he could do nothing about made him angry. “What’s his name?”

“Hyunwoo”, Yuqi said quietly as she tilted her neck to give Xuxi better access. “But he is not among the worst. You don’t need to worry”

“Mmh”, Xuxi placed a kiss on her jawline and pushed her back so that she could lay against the pillows. Climbing over her, he did what he always did - he leaned back to see her face before continuing. Her eyes looked tired this time, her hair was crazy around her head on the pillow. But still, there was tenderness in her expression, as she tugged his collars a bit to pull him closer. It was cute. 

“No one has permission to leave marks on you. If I ever see him, I’ll make sure he knows that too”

Empty promises. Although Xuxi knew that he was most likely taller and more muscular than the rat Hyunwoo, he could never touch him or even exchange words with him directly. Their companies kept the contact at a minimum. Yuqi didn’t seem to care about the emptiness or his swearing though - they both knew how it was, and there was no denying that if he could, he would do it all.

She looked up to him and bit her lower lip.

“You can, though”, she whispered. "You are the only one allowed to mark me" 

"Not like that though", Xuxi answered with an equally small voice and shook his head. "I'd never hurt you" 

"I know", Yuqi pulled him closer. "I trust you" 

That moved the atmosphere even more to the direction that they already had been headed to, although slowly. Now, Yuqi was the one who accelerated and Xuxi could feel her voice echoing in his body, his heart, his head. He leaned down to kiss her fully on the lips.

Her chapstick tasted of something sweet, Xuxi couldn't name what it was, neither did he care. All that he cared about was the fact that she was right there. It had been a while since he had seen her last, and it would probably take him a while to see her again. 

So, All that he could do was love her, the best way he could, when he got the chance.

"I love you", Xuxi whispered against her skin and he felt her getting tense under him. 

She hesitated. 

"Me too", she whispered and pulled him into another kiss. "I love you too" 

He understood why she hesitated. Because… was it really love? Even though he felt like it was, love was much more than just a feeling - to love was to make a commitment, to love was to put another person's needs above your own. To love was to make a promise. 

And neither of them could promise each other much. They could promise to be exclusive and to try their best but that might not be enough. If their companies made them choose between their careers and each other… 

Xuxi knew what he would answer although he hated it. And he knew what she would, too. Both of them had put way too much work and time to get to where they were to just throw it away for-

For love. 

But there was no word police there with them now. It was just the two of them, for a couple of hours. And for that one moment, Xuxi felt like he loved her. Enough that he could tell her. 

It felt good to say it out loud. 

And to whisper it against her skin as more layers were removed. 

Had he known that it would take so long until they could meet again, he would have said it so many more times. 

As though swearing would save them somehow.   
  


…

Letting go of her always left a bitter feeling in his mouth.  
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
I miss you  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Me too  
I’m sorry, I need to go now _

…

They tried to text when they couldn't call or see each other. Xuxi tried to hold onto her, look after her from afar, listen to her. As a good partner should, he did what he could. 

Xuxi listened to her rant about her asshole managers and her sprained ankle and her fight with Minnie and her diet and everything that was going on. He kept her updated as well, they still stayed in touch even when they couldn't meet. 

But why did it feel like it wasn't enough? When he had held her in the hotel room, he had still felt like 

Why did it feel like she was slowly slipping away from him? 

"I don't know man", Mark pulled his cap off and ruffled his hair. He had shaved very carelessly today, the shadow was evident on his face. Oh well, they were not going to take pictures or do a live broadcast today so it was fine. This particular day had been reserved for actual training, so he didn't have to fear for the fans seeing his beard. 

It was one of the things that Xuxi was so tired of - the struggle with facial hair. It was natural, everyone had it and many people looked good with some! Manly! Many models were encouraged to grow some but noooo of course not them, Koreans didn't like real men, they liked dolls. 

With porcelain skin, shining and smooth. Untouched, baby-like, guys who were pure and innocent but still knew how to simultaneously make love to the whole audience once they got on stage. They had to be it all, but at the same time, NO. Xuxi had yet to figure out what the fuck they wanted from him, exactly. 

"Yeah, me neither", Xuxi sighed and sat down. He knew that it was a bad idea, that once he relaxed, getting up would only get harder. But he just felt so powerless. Whenever he thought of Yuqi. Whenever he saw her. And whenever he got a short break from the intense dancing.

Mark was one of the few people who knew about his relationship, outside of his closest managers and of course, the WayV members. Jungwoo knew as well since Xuxi had told him over a text right after he had kissed Yuqi the first time, and also, Renjun was in on the secret because Yangyang couldn’t keep a secret even if his life depended on it. Xuxi wasn’t the type to talk about his feelings or deeply personal things a lot but this was seriously bothering him. And Mark was his friend, one of the closest that he had in the company.

"I'd say, try to stop worrying about it", Mark said. He was still looking at himself through the mirror, trying out the moves, memorizing them. He had a lot to do, many projects going on at the same time - Xuxi had only just started living with a crazy schedule, his respect for Mark grew each day. 

"Try to believe that she will tell you if there is something you can do. If there isn't then just listen, don't try to fix her problems for her - chicks don't like that" 

Xuxi knew that he could trust Mark's advice on everything generally, and this was no exception. Because contrary to popular belief, Mark had quite a lot of experience in dating. Maybe not that much from the past couple of years when he had barely had enough time to sleep, but he had dated a few girls during his time in SM. It wasn't nearly as impossible as the fans thought it was. Mark, an upcoming rapper/songwriter with lots of potential, had been encouraged to date, to get some inspiration. 

Ohh had those experiences bloomed into some amazing pieces of art. 

Currently, Mark was single as his past girlfriend had left him for the same reason as many before - their lack of time together. Mark wasn't too bitter about it, as he understood how it was, and treated his relationships as such. Lightly. Xuxi, however, didn't just yearn for hookups. 

He wanted to be serious. Maybe it was because he had been raised in a somewhat traditional Asian family as Mark had grown surrounded by the unholy western culture. Xuxi just couldn't see himself having a one night stand with someone after SM Halloween party or having a friends with benefits relationship with one of his co-workers - something he knew had happened a few times to people he knew - no, he needed something different. 

Something stable. Even if nothing else in his life was. When he had signed the contract and talked to the higher-ups, they had strongly advised against dating. And Xuxi had been fine with that - or, not exactly fine, but he hadn't had anyone back then so he had been alright. Now…

It was different. Everything was different. Nothing ever seemed to turn out the way he expected. In both bad and good.

“Yeah”, Xuxi just nodded. “It just sucks”

“It does”, Mark chuckled and finally sat down next to him.

Mark might have more experience and knowledge but he didn't know everything. He still didn't know how to make his partners stay, how to build something that would last for longer than a few months. 

They looked at the older members who were discussing the stage design with their concert producers. Normally, Mark would be with them but today he had instead asked Xuxi what was bothering him. 

Because Xuxi hadn't been nearly as secretive as he had thought that he was. Mark had assured him that the others probably wouldn't notice and that he had only because he knew Xuxi so well. 

Hao peng you! Mark liked to joke and yell at him whenever they met. That was quite often these days. But even he and Mark had only been friends for a short while. 

Xuxi didn’t really have a best friend in NCT - or the whole world, really. Or at least he didn’t have a stable one, not one clear answer if someone asked. Right before and after his debut he could have said Jungwoo since they were close in age and still today texted each other often (if they didn’t meet in the hallways) but the language barrier had kept them from getting super close. He and Mark were friends but they had spent most of their time apart and still did, Mark was very different from him and they were mostly friends out of convenience.

Well, most friendships in the real world were like that in one way or another. However, Xuxi didn’t know if he would have befriended Mark if they were, say, one year apart and living normal lives. Maybe, maybe not. Guanheng sometimes called him his best friend too but he was closer to Yangyang and Dejun because of their training period together. Xuxi could get along with everyone, he couldn’t just pick one and call them his number one.

Until Yuqi came along.

They had clicked immediately, their chemistry was great from the start and Xuxi had enjoyed every single moment with her. Whether it was watching illegally downloaded series in his hotel room or getting hit with a toy hammer by her, Xuxi had felt so comfortable with her. When they had just played around during the shooting period, when they had exchanged quick, unsure kisses and fooled around behind locked doors, just the thought of her had filled his heart with excitement.

It was... different now. Everything was different now.

And everything kept changing. For better…

… and for worse.

"Maybe you should talk to her about the way you feel?", Mark muttered after a while. He was breathing heavily, still - Mark was coming down with a cold but there was nothing he could do about it, the debut didn't wait. He sniffed and looked up at Xuxi who was still thinking of what he had said. 

Mark interpreted his expression in his way. He raised his hands, a gesture of surrendering

"I know that it sounds cliche but that's what everyone always says!" 

"It's a good piece of advice", Xuxi nodded, because it was. Most old pieces of advice were good, they had worked before. 

The difference between his and Mark's love lives was that Mark had never dated another idol. It was very different to get it on with a makeup assistant or a backup dancer than it was with another idol. 

Xuxi looked back at the bunch working by the monitor. Taemin had just said something and Kai hit his back, laughing, before turning back to look at the screen. 

Xuxi had thought of maybe asking Kai for advice - he had dated several idol girls and he was still successful, maybe he would know how to do it right. Yet again, Xuxi only knew about that because Kai had been caught, and that wasn't a sign of succeeding, not at all. Or, not in general. 

But the older was already using generous amounts of time teaching him how to dance, so. Xuxi didn't want to be a burden. He would figure everything out by himself, he always did. 

…  
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
I heard that you had to skip a fan meet  
Are you okay?  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Yeah, I’m okay. Just had a bad migraine  
  
_

Why didn’t you tell me?  
  


Why did I need to read that from freaking _Celebrity news_ when I’m your boyfriend?  
  


...

_“43 kilograms”_

Xuxi shook his head. He looked at himself in the practice room mirror - he had even shut the lights of the room, to make sure that no one would know he was there. Only the automatic lights of the hallway were shining inside through the partially turbid glass window.

“That’s not good”, he said.

 _“I know”,_ Yuqi exhaled and Xuxi knew that she agreed, with frustration and everything. _“But at least it’s not 40 as we expected”_

Yuqi was already so small. It had been weeks since Xuxi had last seen her in person but even then she had been so small and thin. Two kilograms wasn’t that much, but she was so small already. Xuxi couldn’t understand the reasoning behind their decisions. Just… just why?

"Well, yeah, but still"

 _“It is what it is”_ , Yuqi continued. _“But enough about me. How have you been?”_

They texted every day so she already knew most of the stuff, but it was different to actually talk things through. It had taken them a week to plan this phone call as well, both of them being so busy. Xuxi turned away from his reflection and sat down on the floor. His feet ached from dancing like they often did after SuperM training.

“I’m okay”, he said, because really, he was. “The training is hard but I’m sure it will be awesome. The geges are supportive”

 _“That’s good to hear_ ”, she said, and Xuxi could hear a small smile in her voice. It lifted some of the weight from his chest too. 

“Are you going to watch my debut?”

_“When was it again?”_

“October fifth”, Xuxi muttered. It was less than a month away now, he felt nervous even thinking about it.

 _“I will if I can”,_ Yuqi sounded apologetic already, and she hadn’t even done anything yet. 

“Thank you”, Xuxi answered. Because that was the best she could do, promise to try. 

Just like they always promised to try to arrange a meeting but their companies screwed them over. They promised to try to find time to call each other but it never seemed to work out. 

The months flew by. Cold, empty. 

And Xuxi felt lonelier than ever before. It was weird, considering that now he was never alone. But maybe it was the crowd that made him lonely.

Because in a crowd he couldn't be with the people he cared about the most. He had learned what yearning was when he had left his mother and... and his whole family behind, years ago. But this felt different. And he didn't know what to make of it, how to treat the emptiness in his chest.

So he just moved forward. Where people told him to go.

...

_**From Yuqi,**  
I miss you  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
I miss you too.  
I’m sorry about last week, SuperM just takes up all of my time  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
I get that, it’s okay  
What about next weekend?  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
I’m flying to Los Angeles  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Oh, right,   
I forgot  
I’m sorry  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
It’s okay _

She couldn’t remember everything. This thing had nothing to do with her.

It felt like one of the most important events of Xuxi’s whole life, he felt like throwing up whenever he thought of performing in freaking Hollywood with freaking Taemin and EXO and he couldn’t even speak English and oh god he was so scared, what if he screwed up and everyone would see-

But of course, she couldn’t remember everything.

It wasn’t that important.

…

A few hiccups were to be expected.

Kai had patted his shoulder and told him that it had been okay.

Xuxi's heart kept pounding like it was his last day alive. Maybe it was, who knew. Stepping down that stage had felt so unreal, he didn't even know if he was truly alive anymore.  
  
  


_**From Yuqi,**  
You did really well!  
The stage was amazing, you fit right in! _

_**To Yuqi,**  
Thank you!  
You remembered <3  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Of course, it’s the least I could do  
As I couldn’t even properly support you during preparations  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
Let’s not talk about that anymore  
It wasn’t your fault, it was neither of our fault  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
I know, I know  
I just  
  
_

I feel so frustrated whenever I think about-

you.

…

“Hey”

Xuxi looked up from his phone, to see Baekhyun walk in. He was wearing worn sweatpants and a t-shirt three sizes too big. Baekhyun was almost seven years older than him, yet he managed to look so small sometimes. He was a character, and Xuxi had been so nervous about working with him especially since he hadn't been able to tell at all what he would be like in real life.

His worries had been for nothing of course. The real-life Baekhyun was gentle and intelligent when he had to be, and funny and entertaining when the situation called for it. A proper senior that he could rely on. 

“What are you still doing up?” The older asked as he stepped to the fridge to fetch himself a bottle of water. Xuxi gestured to his phone with a shrug, trying to seem nonchalant but of course, it didn’t go unnoticed by the older. He could have blamed the jet lag too, damn, why hadn’t he used that excuse? Well, it was too late now.

“Is everything okay?” Baekhyun asked as he sat on the other side of the table. Xuxi shrugged again.

“I guess? Could be better”, because honestly, that was what it had been like for a while now. It could be so much worse too. 

“Love Trouble?” Baekhyun asked casually and took a big swing out of the bottle.

Xuxi raised his brows. “How did you know?”

“What else keeps men up at night like this?”

Xuxi thought for a moment.

“Practising?”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes.

“It’s afternoon in South Korea. And China”, he said and raised a brow. Smart, he was so much smarter than Xuxi had expected him to be (and he felt a bit embarrassed of his past thoughts), and especially now that he had been named their leader, he took the responsibility very seriously. He always checked on them and asked how they were. Baekhyun seemed like he wanted to know too, it wasn't just one of those soulless _So, how are you now?_ questions that they were asked by the hairdressers and managers who knew everything exactly already.

“So", Baekhyun sat on the chair properly, because he wasn't just going to leave anymore. He looked like he was getting ready for a mad gossip time. Xuxi wasn’t exactly sure if what he would get out of him would be that interesting. The older must be tired too, their performance had drained them all out just a few hours ago but here he was, getting ready to listen to what Xuxi had on his heart.

Did he already mention that Baekhyun was admirably unselfish too?

"Are you dating a trainee or a stylist?” he asked.

“Um, neither?” Xuxi turned his screen off and placed the phone on the table. Yuqi had stopped answering a while ago but he just couldn't stop rereading their earlier messages. They were both... tense. Xuxi had his new debut and Yuqi her diet, it was to be expected that the stress would reach out for their relationship too. But still. “She’s… She’s another idol”

“Oh”, Baekhyun’s eyebrows shot up. "Who?" 

"Um", Yuqi from G-idle "We did Keep Running together, she's a singer from Cube" 

“Ohh”, Baekhyun nodded slowly. “That girl. Yugi, right?"

"Yuqi", Xuxi muttered. The Koreans never pronounced the Chinese names right. That wasn’t what clashed in his ear this time, though. There was something in Baekhyun’s tone that bothered him.

“Does that surprise you?” He had to ask. Baekhyun tilted his head like a puppy.

“Now that I think about it, maybe not?” It sounded more like a question than a statement, but Xuxi let him continue. “I mean, I can’t say that I watched every episode of your show, I don’t speak Chinese, but of course I needed to stalk you, to get to know what kind of a public persona you have. And… I don’t know, I thought you had some real chemistry, but I never noticed… like, sexual tension or anything”

Woah. There were a few things - first, Baekhyun had watched the show to get to know him? Xuxi was surprised that he cared, not even his WayV members had bothered watching it and they _understood_ Chinese. And second, Baekhyun had actually looked at him and Yuqi interacting and come up with a theory of his own.

“I know that it’s always different on TV”, Baekhyun said, although he didn’t have to - Xuxi knew that he knew, he was a professional. “But still, for some reason, I didn’t expect it”

“Yeah, well”, what was he supposed to answer? “We were friends at first but then it just… developed into something more.”

“Are we talking about a friend-with-benefits-kind of a relationship here or is it an actual, serious one?” Baekhyun asked and again, Xuxi was wondering why he even cared.

“A real one”, Xuxi answered. “Or, at least I hope it is a real one. Or develops into something more. Or, I’m not saying that it isn’t, it’s just… aghh it’s hard”

Damn Korean, why was it so difficult for him to put his thoughts down into words now? Why was he even talking to Baekhyun about this? Because he understood, maybe? Xuxi ran a hand through his hair and glanced at Baekhyun who was pouting across the table.

He pouted whenever he was thinking very hard. It was cute. Xuxi had, for the longest time, been strongly against grown men acting cute but Baekhyun wasn’t acting, not always - he just had his habits. He was 27, he shouldn’t be cute anymore. But that was the only word that Xuxi could use to describe him.

Finally, he talked.

“My general advice is: take someone from the industry but not another idol. You need someone who understands the importance of privacy and has their job on the line too, but dating another idol means… double the sasaengs, double the paparazzi, double all trouble."

Xuxi nodded, agreeing. 

“But screw that advice, you’re knee-deep in this already. So”, Baekhyun leaned a bit closer." I can only talk from experience. I know that you weren't in SM at the time but, there was a time when my career and reputation was completely screwed over because of my love life" 

Xuxi had to search his brain for a hot minute before he realized what Baekhyun was talking about. Right, Baekhyun and Taeyeon. Indeed, he had not been in the company back then and when he had arrived, it had been long gone and everyone did their best acting as though it had never happened at all. One of his managers had talked to him about it once though, he had used Baekhyun's case as a warning for what would happen if he ever dated and got caught.

"You and Taeyeon noona?" he still asked, to make sure that they were talking about the same thing. And Baekhyun nodded. 

"Exactly", Baekhyun sighed. "Oh god, it feels like it's been forever since. But yes, we fell hard. Wouldn't recommend that for anyone"

Xuxi nodded, his brows furrowed. He remembered reading internet articles about it, seeing paparazzi pictures, and even seeing video clips of the aftermath, fan wars, and so on. It had sounded scary as hell. Still, he had forgotten all about it when he had dived headfirst into the cold water and kissed Yuqi in some random hotel room.

There was something about this case though, that bothered him. Baekhyun must have seen his wondering on his face.

"What are you thinking?" he asked softly. "Ask away. Whatever happened, I've been over it for a long time now, you don't need to fear it being too touchy a subject"

"It's just that…", Xuxi tried to form proper sentences, it was hard. "I remember it, and I thought it was kind of… Fake?"

"Ohh", Baekhyun nodded slowly, and it seemed like he had understood right away. "It was fake alright, I mean, the way we were "caught". I was young and stupid and neither of us dared to fight harder. We really should have though. SM needed the media attention to be targeted away from the lawsuit mess so they used us"

Baekhyun drank some more water and thought, and Xuxi let him take his time.

"It was one of the worst things I've ever met during my career", he said quietly after a while. "The backlash, the hate. I wasn't that much older than you, I had only debuted a couple of years ago and I got crushed under the pressure. That broke our relationship as well - I'm not sure if it would have lasted had it stayed a secret anyway but... but we grew apart so quickly because the world hated the thought of us together.”

Xuxi nodded and looked down at his phone again. He knew how it would be like with them too - his fans already didn’t like the way he and Yuqi were promoted together and it was minimal. It would blow up if they got caught.

But how could they get caught when they barely ever even met?

“Yeah”, he muttered. “Rough. I don’t want that to happen”

“But that isn’t your biggest fear now, is it?” 

How was he so good? Xuxi looked up at Baekhyun, who was looking at him expectantly. 

“No, maybe not”, Xuxi muttered. “I just fear that everything… just ends. We don’t have time for each other, our relationship doesn’t even make sense but I… I… I don’t want everything to fall apart”

Baekhyun stood up and walked to him. He sat next to him and pulled Xuxi into a hug. At first, he felt a bit… well, not weirded out or anything but he had seen girls comforting each other like this, gossiping about their relationships and crying in each other’s arms. Xuxi blinked, many times, as Baekhyun hugged him closer and tried not to think too much. He had relied on the others enough, he was a big boy now and he shouldn’t cry anymore.

But when Baekhyun wrapped his arms around him... although the older was smaller, his hug was still warm and comfortable and maybe he hadn't been hugged much lately. Maybe he felt tired and like nothing he did was ever enough and like the people in his life were drifting away from him and...

Yeah, maybe he just really needed that hug.

“Sorry”, he muttered when they pulled away after an eternity. He wiped away the tears that had escaped despite his best efforts. "Everything just feels like so much right now”

“Don’t apologize,” Baekhyun said softly. “You’re going through a lot right now. I feel… Good, knowing that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me. It makes me feel like I've done something right"

"You have", Xuxi nodded. "You're a great leader, hyung"

"Oh, come on, don't flatter me", Baekhyun hit his arm lightly and the atmosphere felt lighter already. Xuxi felt like his heart was lighter, and he didn't feel awkward although his cheeks were still a bit wet.

It was a good feeling. 

"Anyway", Baekhyun continued, serious. "About your relationship troubles... what's wrong? If you don't mind me asking?"

Xuxi shrugged again. "It's just the distance, I think", he said. "The fact that we don't have time, the fact that we don't meet. Everything is perfect when we are together, but when we can't see each other... I don't know. There's not much I can do about it without,you know, consequences."

Baekhyun eyed and him and nodded, understanding.

"Yeah", he said. "That sounds familiar."

"Any advice?" Xuxi asked carefully. Baekhyun looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Whatever you do… Try to avoid ending up in a situation where you have to choose. Okay, this is almost too obvious, I'm not the best at giving advice" 

"It's okay", Xuxi assured him. "It's good to hear it coming from someone else" 

"Yeah", Baekhyun nodded again. "It is. And... I know, this sounds bad but... But if you have to choose, do not choose her. No matter what she does, if you love her, you can't choose her" 

Xuxi swallowed and looked down. That was the reality he lived in, he knew that well.

"I know too many people whose regret grew too big and they ended up hating each other. Young love is wonderful but more often than not, the flame dies down and turns cold and bitter"

There was a lot to take in, in his words. Xuxi found himself listening to Baekhyun with admiration and interest. The older was smart.

Finally, Baekhyun patted him on the shoulder and stood up. 

"Let's go to sleep, Lucas. Let it go for now. I'm sure she'll understand, we have a long day tomorrow."

"Yeah, okay", Xuxi put his phone to the pocket of his college pants. He felt a bit ashamed for crying but his heart was a bit lighter. 

Their times in the States flew past him crazy fast. Everything went by in a blur, but he was thankful for every experience. He felt like he grew closer to the other members, especially Baekhyun, who looked after him with a sharper eye - his attention didn't cause him more stress but rather, he felt looked after. Protected.

For once.

_**To Yuqi,**  
I’m coming back for two weeks tomorrow and then I’ll be gone for almost a month  
Do you think you could make it?  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
I’m coming down with something again  
I can’t promise anything _

Xuxi bit his lip. He knew that she couldn’t do anything about that. But still.

_**To Yuqi,**  
I haven't seen you in two months  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
Is that my fault?   
_ _I'm not the one having a tour across the globe_  
  


Xuxi stared at the phone in disbelief until he saw that little typing icon again. 

**_From Yuqi,_ **  
_Sorry, I didn't mean it like that  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
I don't want to fight with you when I can't see you  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
I'm sorry  
  
_

That word was slowly losing its meaning. As well as  
_  
_

_**From Yuqi,**  
I love you  
Oh god, I miss you so much  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
I love you too.   
I'm sorry, I need to go _

...

  
  


“Oh, and Lucas”, the manager turned around in the doorway. “I booked you the earlier flight. Be ready by 3:30, I’ll pick you up”

He had the audacity to smile. Xuxi didn’t have enough energy to do that, he just hummed and his manager shut the door behind himself. He had been nice enough to drive Xuxi to the dorms at this late hour after his extra vocal practice, he had to be nice to the man. 

Even if he had just reduced his original six hours of sleep to just four. And for what reason? 

Xuxi kicked his shoes off quietly. The whole dorm was probably asleep already so he didn't want to wake them up. The preparations for the WayV comeback had started and the others were putting many hours on it already. They deserved their sleep time. 

Xuxi didn't, according to his manager. He wondered if Ten had been informed of this change of plans already. Probably - he was the most important one of the two of them. 

He unlocked his phone as he walked through the kitchen.  
  


_**To Yuqi,**  
What about the week after that?  
  
**From Yuqi,**  
I need to talk with my manager  
I’m sorry  
_

_**To Yuqi,**  
It’s okay  
  
_

No, it wasn’t.

Xuxi stepped into the room that he shared with Guanheng. The other was still gaming, he raised his brows as Xuxi walked in, and removed his headset.

"Are you okay?" The Cantonese sounded so homely and familiar flowing from his mouth, Xuxi felt a bit better hearing it. He hadn't seen Guanheng in two days and wouldn't for another two weeks or so, maybe he could hang out with him now for a bit. He saw Guanheng’s character get killed on screen but the other didn't care. 

"Yeah", Xuxi said quietly. He felt so tired but he could always sleep on the plane. Hopefully, at least. SuperM always flew in first class. 

"You look tired”, Guanheng said and Xuxi just shrugged. They were always tired, whenever the cameras pointed away they also looked like it. But, Xuxi knew what he meant.

“Troubles with Yuqi. And SuperM”

Guanheng bit his lip as he thought, a habit that girls found so hot and cute. Guanheng was handsome, Xuxi could easily rank him even higher than himself in that and feel no insecurity. He sometimes wondered why on earth he had debuted in NCT and Guanheng hadn’t. He felt like Guanheng had everything together so well. 

“Wanna rant?” He asked, but Xuxi shook his head. 

“Not tonight. I have to leave at 3:30”

“Ouch”, Guanheng said. He looked down and then back up again, and lifted his controller.

“How about letting some of that steam out before that, then?” he asked hopefully. Xuxi eyed his game - he really should sleep, but, the idea of video games cheered him up somehow. A few rounds with Guanheng wouldn't ruin everything. He wasn't going to spend time with him in a while, might as well use this time that he still had.

"I'll kick your ass", he grinned and Guanheng's worried, unsure expression changed into a replica of his.

"Ohhh I'd like to see you try!"

Long after Guanheng had fallen asleep (after kicking Xuxi's ass in every game they tried), Xuxi stared at his phone again. 

He had one single picture of him and Yuqi in his gallery. His manager would make him delete it too if he knew. But it brought him comfort so he held on to it. It was a simple picture, taken through the mirror in one of his hotel rooms back in China. He smiled when he thought about that day - it had been a good day for filming and they had cuddled in his room, it was a bit after they had agreed that they started dating. It had been so fun and exciting back then, working with her and sharing a secret behind closed doors.

The reality hit him stronger than ever. He would never walk her home or... introduce her to his mother. He had to always keep it a secret. He hated to admit it but it felt like this time, loving her was causing him more pain than anything else. 

Sometimes, during times like these, he began to wonder if it was worth it at all. All the worrying and yearning, if he would be better off without it all. A simple answer was yes, he would better off without those heavy, uncertain feelings. 

But would he be better off without Yuqi? 

No. He couldn't turn back anymore, now that he knew what it was like to be with her. Now that he truly knew how it felt like to be loved and to love someone. He couldn't imagine going through this trouble for anyone else. But for Yuqi, even if he had to double the effort, he would do it. Double the sleepless nights and yearning that ached in his heart. 

Seeing her again, touching her again, hugging and kissing her again returned that good feeling into his heart. And he felt whole again.

How could he ever give that up?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked it, please hit the kudos button or leave a comment - I'm very insecure so a simple "I liked this" can go a really long way. Also, if you have some criticism, I can take that too, I value all feedback. 
> 
> I hope you have a great day! :) <3


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